I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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