At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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