I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
