At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
