I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
