just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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