My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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