I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
