Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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