roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
