Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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