Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
