I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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