Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
