Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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