So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
