everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
