god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
