My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
