I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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