I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
