just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
