if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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