Someone shit on the floor
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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