Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
