Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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