proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My cat gives me a boner
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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