no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
