I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
