is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
