Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
