I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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