I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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