I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
