I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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