I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
