if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
