I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He shit in the fireplace
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
