Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
