I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
