fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
