Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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