I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
