If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
