The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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