So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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