the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
