why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
