"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
