Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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