I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
